We laid you to rest 28 years ago today. I remember it all too well. Picking up the phone to hear Dad tell Grandma + Grandpa you were gone. Going through the motions like I didn’t know, trying to make sense of it all. Running through the house screaming your name when I got home from PA looking for you. Trying to make sense of why you weren’t there to greet me with a bear hug like you always did whenever I walked through the door.
I remember it all too well. Mom + Dad taking me outside to the rock wall that looks down the mountain to tell me you were gone. The feel of total numbness taking over my body. Feeling alien in my own home. Not knowing what to do, say, think, feel. Part of me died that day. We were inseparable despite our age difference. I did everything with you + I loved it.
I remember it all too well. Walking into our room that night + you weren’t there. Probably one of the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. It was so quiet. It was so weird climbing up our bunkbeds + you not being below. Not saying goodnight to you. Everything was just wrong + I didn’t like it. Falling asleep did not come easy that night.
I remember it all too well. Your funeral. I remember what I wore. It was white dress with blue flowers on it because you loved blue. I remember there were hundreds of people in the church but I don’t remember who they were. I remember seeing you lying in a coffin that was so tiny. You looked so peaceful, dressed in jeans + your favorite tee shirt + sneakers.
I remember it all too well. Mom + Dad filled your coffin with all your favorite things. I even put in my scrunchie that was around my wrist because I’d always put your hair in a million tiny pony tales then take them out + you’d look like Einstein.
I remember it all too well. I sat in the pew in front with Mom + Dad thinking this couldn’t be real. That I had to be dreaming. During the funeral I got up several times + went out the side door to get some air. It was all too much for me. I didn’t understand why you had to leave me + I still don’t. I never will.
I remember it all too well. I kissed you goodbye before everyone left to go to the cemetery + I vowed to never say another goodbye again + I haven’t. Instead of riding to the cemetery with the family in the limo + I went with friends. And I asked my friend’s mom if this was real. That it doesn’t feel real.
I remember it all too well. The cemetery. It was just a tiny coffin I was starring at. It started raining + I asked Dad if you were getting wet. He shock his head + said “No. That nothing will get to you. He made sure you were protected.” Walking away from you was so hard. Maybe right up there with walking into our room that night. You didn’t belong anywhere but with me. That’s how it was supposed to go.
There are so many things I don’t remember that I wish I did but it always comes down to wishing I had more time with you.
Code Monster, I miss you so much it hurts. I look at pictures + ache to hold you again, to rough house, to get cozy cozy cozy on the couch + watch tv, anything with you. I ache to watch you grow up + be a bigger light to the world than you already are.
You will aways be me best friend, my whole world, my code monster, first baby brudder, my angel baby. I love you more than anything. Until you open those pearly gates for me…