✨ Happy Birthday Angel Baby ✨

Code Monster,

I don’t know where to even start. Happy Birthday Codester.  Today would have been your 29th birthday. There are no words to express how much I miss you. When you died a part of me did too. The bond I had with you is one I’ve never experienced again and truth be told, I don’t want to. That was something special that only you + I had. I don’t remember the sound of your voice, or the stories Dad tells. BUT what I do remember is the connection we had, the bond we had. You were my best friend, my world. You taught me what it means to be a best friend.  I couldn’t wait for school to be over so we could play. I  remember loving going to bed in our room, knowing you were on the bottom bunk. I remember building the coolest fort on the bottom bunk and us playing in it. I remember writing our names on the boards that held the top bunk up so you’d always see them Jenny + Cody together, even though you couldn’t read ha!

I don’t remember a lot, but there are some things I do remember. I remember feeling so content + happy just cuddling on the couch with you while you drank your bottle and I munched on something and we’d watch tv for hours this way. I always loved playing Super Nintendo with you because even though you just held the remote and moved it around you’d  belly laughed, which in turn made me laugh. I remember pushing you around Dad’s store in your stroller, crashing into things. I remember spinning you so much in dad’s office chair that you threw up [I’m sorry] and when you were okay you wanted me to do it all over again.

I remember the Sunday we were supposed to go to our friends communion and Mom told me stop playing with you because you were going to have an asthma attack and I didn’t listen. We kept running around the couch  and the next thing I knew you weren’t breathing + had  turned blue. I remember having to stay home that day while Mom + Dad sped away in the ambulance with you. I’ve never felt such guilt + never prayed SO HARD for you to be okay.  And you were for a little while, until you weren’t.

I remember having to come home early from Grandma + Grandpa’s and running through the house SCREAMING your name looking for you but you weren’t there. I remember the numbest that came over me when Mom + Dad told me you weren’t there and wouldn’t be coming back. It was like my whole world wasn’t what I was used it. It was cold + foreign. I didn’t know what to do or who I was.  I changed in that instant. I became the Ice Queen. I hated love, hated affection, still kinda do if I’m being honest. You taught me what love really is, what conditional love is and maybe thats why I hated it so much and still not a fan of it. I didn’t leave the house unless it was to go Grandma +Grandpa’s or to school. I remember not being effected by anything. Mom + Dad could grounded me, didn’t care. I could get in trouble all the time, didn’t phase me. I was numb and I liked it that way. I didn’t feel the pain of losing you.

I wish you were here Code. I wish you knew Kyle + Dylan. I wish they knew you. I wish you were here when they gang up on me to show them who’s boss ha! You may have been my little brother, but you were my biggest protector [besides Dad ha!] I wish I could have seen you grow up, I wish I could have watched you play every sport with Kyle + Dylan. Who knows, since it would have been the 4 of us, maybe I’d be better at sports because I know you three would make me play, then complain whoever ended up stuck with me ha. I wish the 4 of us could have ganged up on Mom + Dad for something stupid. It always comes down to I wish we had more time together.

You were always so happy even when I bet you felt like crap. I don’t know how you did it. You never cried a lot, not even when you were having an asthma attack. Your eyes always sparkled, maybe thats why I liked sparkles so much, they remind me of you.  It sounds pretty selfish of me to want you around more when I know how hard it would have been for you to be around so many things that made it hard for you to breathe. But I wish you were so you + Kyle could go through the asthma + food allergies together. Maybe he wouldn’t feel so alone having to watch all his friends eat whatever they want and can’t.

I’m so sorry Code that I wasn’t here when you died. Not that I could have done anything or probably been with you but at least I could have seen you before ya know? I wish I didn’t spend so much time away from you. I know it’s not anyone’s fault because who knew the time we had with you would be so limited?  I pray so much that you’re at peace Codester. I pray so much you are up in Heaven eating EVERYTHING + ANYTHING with no breathing problems. I pray you leave me a million dimes because I love knowing that even today, you + I were in the same place even if  just for a second.

I remember bites + pieces of your funeral. I remember how peaceful you looked. I remember I kissed you “goodbye” yet couldn’t tell you goodbye because it was too permanent for me. To this day, I refuse  to say goodbye to anyone. It’s either “see/talk to you later” or “can’t wait to see you again” something like that. I couldn’t say goodbye to you then and I can’t stay goodbye to you now so its a  I can’t wait to see you again Code Monster, when you open up those pearly gates for me.

I love you more than words can say Cody, My Angel Baby. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you and miss you more than the day before.

Love always


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