To My Angel Baby,
I have so much I want to say but can’t seem to find the words. This letter to you is so much harder than the one I wrote you on your birthday. Probably because I’m having a really hard time this year. Today is the hardest day of the year for me because you left me + went to Heaven. I know you’re in a better place now + not suffering anymore but I miss you so much it hurts. A part of me died when you did. I may not remember specific memories or stories about our childhood, but I do remember the bond we had. You were my best friend, my whole world + then suddenly you weren’t there anymore. Today marks 26 years you’ve been gone. For me it still feels like yesterday + yet forever ago all at the same time.
It kills me that I went away so much. I know I was only 7 + 8 but I thought we had the rest of our lives to be together + do life together. It breaks my heart to the point of physical pain that I wasn’t there when you couldn’t fight anymore. I still remember coming home from Grandma + Grandpa’s running through the house screaming your name + you not being there. I still remember going in our room, seeing our bunk beds but you not being there at night when I’d go to bed. I still remember the feeling of numbest I felt when Mom + Dad told me you went to heaven + to be honest, that feeling hasn’t really left.
I’ll always remember your smile + how it touched so many people. I still remember how happy you made everyone. I still remember how much fun we had in those short 19 months you were with us. Super Mario will always hold a special place in my heart because you’d always play it with me. I’ll forever remember my love + connection I had for you + I’ll forever remember + cherish your love for me. You sure knew how to make a girl feel special.
So many times I wish you were here with me, Kyle + Dylan for so many reasons. But one of the main reasons is I have no doubt that you’d be taller + bigger than both of them + when they are mean to me you’d put them in their place ha! But another is that if you were still here, maybe we’d still be living in New York. And that would mean that Kyle + Dylan would be New York fans instead of the Philly fans they are ha! But the main reason is having you here would just make everything better. It always comes down to just wishing we had more time together.
The bond we had was inseparable + one that I’ve never had with anyone else. And to be honest, I don’t want to. You taught me what unconditional love is, how precious this life really is, to cherish every moment + live like there’s no tomorrow because it isn’t promised. You taught me it’s more important to put other people first. You taught me what it was like to be selfless. You showed me a glimpse of perfect because thats was what you were/are.
You were my biggest protector even at your age. One thing I do remember is you yelling at Mom + Dad after they yelled at me for something. At 18 months you were speaking full sentences + singing songs. Yelling at mom + dad was nothing for you lol. You made sure I was okay + didn’t leave my side. I can only imagine how your protectress would have been when I started dating + got my heart broken.
Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you. Not a day goes by that I wish you were here. You will always be remembered, cherished + loved. I promise you that. I hope you’re having a good time in Heaven with everyone up there. Thank you for always watching out for me + keep sending those dimes my way! I love knowing that you + I were/are in the same place when I find them.
I’ll love you forever Code Monster. Until you open those pearly gates for me….
Jenny