I was hoping that when I posted a life update it would have been a better one than this one. It’s not terrible in the sense that anyone died or I’m sick so thats good. But instead of my anxiety getting better, it got worse. I was doing really well. I was happy again and I felt like me. For the first time in a long time I didn’t wake up shaking, I didn’t focus and obsess on the worse case scenario on everything. I found myself laughing and being excited about things. I really got to working on Sparkle and created a lot of posts. I went out on walks and wasn’t scared to run into a store. It was great. Then one day it came crashing down and I went back to almost the way I was when I was at my worst.
I started shaking again, worrying about everything, every ache + pain I had I thought I had cancer in that part of my body. I started obsessing over the worse case scenario, was tired way more than I was, I lost interest in doing things again, espeically Sparkle. Which is why I haven’t posted anything in over a week. All I wanted to do was lay in bed [where I felt the safest] and watch Duck Dynasty. It was a major struggle to do the things I had no choice in doing.
I had an “aha moment” when I realized that my anxiety seems to spike a few days before my time of the month starts [sorry if this is TMI but if my story can help someone else its worth it]. I started to feel better as my cycle ended and thought “Okay I understand this, I can work with this.” Ha! Did life have other plans for me.
I ended up waking up one morning with a massive migraine. It was so painful, I thought my head was going to explode. It took HOURS for it go away, even with the help of Excedrin Migraine. Ever since then I haven’t been the same. I spiraled and got hooked on being obsessed with have a brain tumor and dying of brain cancer. I know it sounds dramatic but thats my reality. It took over a week for my the bad head pains to go away. As I type this I still have the tension kind in my forehead. I will say its not as bad as it once was and it comes and goes.
The day after my migraine I immediately sent a message to my doctor about what happened and made an appointment to talk to him. I couldn’t live like this. I don’t want to live like this. I want to be me again. I want to be happy again. I want to be excited about things again. I want to live another just function. And honestly I deserve to be happy and not sacred all the time. I only have this one life and I want to life it to the fullest.
Luckily I didn’t have to wait too long to get an appointment with my doctor and we came up with a game plan on how to proceed going forward. We upped my medicine to a little higher dose and I have to monitor the head pain and the symptoms for my time of the month. It was MY idea to up the medicine which is kinda funny because I was pretty against it a couple of months ago. Not that I think there is ANYTHING wrong with medicine or the dosage but for me it was just so disheartening because I thought I was doing so well ya know. I thought everything was going to be okay and I could kinda get back to my normal, well new normal. I decided that this is my new normal and its okay.
I actually learned a lot from all this which I’m grateful for.
I learned that anxiety is a nasty little bugger and can + does play tricks on you.
I learned that I’m not alone in suffering from anxiety and if you suffer as well, please know you are not alone either.
I learned that treating anxiety is not a one and done treatment. It is a process + you have keep evaluating + changing things as the anxiety changes.
I learned now more than ever I have to give myself grace and be patient as the treatment plan changes and needs time to work in my system.
I learned that it doesn’t matter the dosage of medicine you are on because it DOES NOT MATTER. All that matters is that it WORKS and you FEEL BETTER. [Thank you to the best Aunt/Nurse for showing me that!!]
I learned I’m stronger than I think and I’m going to get through this even when it doesn’t feel like it.
I learned I have to repeat that to myself a lot through out the day ha!
I learned that I’m not entirely mad about this season of life because it’s forced me to learn a lot about my self and it brought me closer to God-which was probably God’s plan all along ha!
I learned that I can’t do this on my own + its okay to ask for help.
I still have hope that this too shall pass, and I’ll be back to my old self soon. I have done a lot of soul searching during this season I’m in and I believe that God put me on this path to share my journey + experience with others in the hopes that it will help at least one person who struggles with anxiety. I hope it helps them feel not so alone + seek help from the numerous resources out there.
Some of these websites that I found are :
- National Institute of Mental Health
- American Counseling Association
- Anxiety and Depression Association of American
Again, I am NOT a doctor nor am I telling you what to do if you suffer from anxiety. I am simply sharing my experiences and what worked for me. Talking to my doctor and going on medicine was the best thing ever, so I highly encourage you start there and talk to your doctor. I usually stay off the internet when it comes to health issues but there are many websites dedicated to helping you deal with anxiety and finding other resources in your area that I think it is worth it. Some of the websites also explain what anxiety is + its causes. When I know more it makes me feel more in control and my anxiety isn’t as bad.
So here’s to the next life update to being better. Here’s to things everywhere being better. Here’s to hope.
Always Sparkle and Shine Bright…
xoxo,
Jen
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