Hello! I Hope you’re having a great day! Today’s post is the most real, raw, and vulnerable I’ve ever posted. To say I’m nervous to post it is an understatement but I have HOPE that it will be well received and either help someone or at least resonate with someone so they don’t feel alone.
This post is hard for me to write. Even as I’m tying this I’m not sure how it’s going to go or if I even want to hit publish when it’s complete. I apologize if this seems all over the place. This past week has been pretty difficult for me. I have ridiculously debilitating anxiety and this past week and even into this week it’s been bad. I’m not embarrassed to admit that I have anxiety but in a way I kinda am because when I look around I feel like I’m the only one who is scared of everything.
A little back story: My anxiety is mostly based on health related issues so living during the Pandemic has been fun, lemme tell you. I shake 24/7. have no appetite so I have to force myself to eat. I’m mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted. I’m mentally exhausted because I can’t stop my brain from thinking about EVERYTHING that could go wrong and what I’m going to do if it happens. I’m emotionally exhausted because I’m worried and scared all the time waiting for tragedy to happen. And I’m physically exhausted because I shake 24/7.
It’s also super hard to focus on one thing, my mind is going a million miles a minute and my thoughts are all over the place. It got so bad that about a month ago I had to go to my doctor to see what my options were because I couldn’t keep living like I was. So now I take medicine for my anxiety and I kinda wish I did it sooner. [Disclaimer: I am NOT a doctor and I’m NOT saying you NEED to start taking medicine. I’m simply just telling MY story.]
It has been about a month since I started the medicine [I take the lowest dosage] and I have to say it has really helped. I don’t shake anymore, and I’ll have an appetite every now and then but it is easier to eat these days. It still is hard to focus on one thing though and I’m still pretty tired all the time. I’m not sure what triggered my anxiety to spike again this past week and to be honest, its really annoying. Things were really starting to look up for me, I felt like I was finally starting to feel like my old self again. I was back to doing my skincare routine, putting on make up, changing into cute outfits and the best part was finally working on Sparkle.
This past week it was like I went backwards. I was more anxious than I’ve been in the past couple weeks, I lost the motivation to do the things that brought me joy again, doing my skin care and make-up routine, putting on cute outfits, even working on Sparkle. I lost the little interest I had in food, and other than doing the bare essentials I had do, I had no energy to do anything extra. Thats hard to be when you’re the caregiver to your elderly yet still very active grandma.
The ability to focus on anything for more than maybe 30 seconds was a very hard challenge. I’m embarrassed to even say how long its took me to write this post because my focus was all over the place. If an IG story is too long I couldn’t keep my focus on it, I have to either go to the next one or start scrolling the feed. Having to make simple decisions like what to have for dinner, it felt like I’m being asked to answer the hardest question in the world. My patience was nonexistent for anything that isn’t pertinent to living basically. And to be completely honest, things are still that way, even as I write this.
I am a control freak. I like to know the who, what, what, when, where, and why to EVERYTHING. And I like to be able to change my surrounds or situation when I don’t like what going on. When I’m sick it bothers me SO MUCH because I can’t stand not being able to control the way my body is feeling and to be able to feel better faster. With that being said, it annoys me to no end that I can’t figure out WHY I’m feeling this way and I can’t figure HOW to change it.
I say this is post is hard to write because even though I think that being real, raw and vulnerable is the way to be over fake and full of lies, it’s still hard to share your struggles. I know it’s my choice to put my struggles out on the internet but its my HOPE that maybe my story could help someone- so to me, it’s worth it. Still scary, but definitely worth it.
With everything that is going on in the world, I feel like more and more people are experiencing higher than normal anxiety or experiencing anxiety for the first time. It is scary when you don’t know why you’re feeling a certain way or why nothing is like it used to be or how to stop feeling that way and get back to feeling like yourself.
I feel like society doesn’t or hasn’t helped the issue at all because of the negative stigma that surrounds mental health and getting help for it with either therapy or medicine. You get help if you broke a bone, have cancer, are in pain. You can and are encouraged to take supplements if you’re deficient in something. Getting help for any other ailment is accepted. Doing the same for mental health should be the same way!
With that being said, I have HOPE that things will be better- with my anxiety and the state of the world, as we know it.
I HOPE you know that if you are experiencing anxiety and/or depression you are NOT alone and there are resources out there to help.
I encourage you to reach out and talk to a professional and see what your options are. You have one life- you deserve to live it feeling your best and I HOPE you do!
I HOPE you know that you are NOT weak for having anxiety and/or depression. In fact you are extremely STRONG for battling it and living with it.
There should be no shame or negativity around getting help for anything related to mental health and I HOPE that in the near future that changes.
If you do not have anxiety or have it but not as extreme, I HOPE this post helps you understand what some people do experience and to check on your friends + family and see how they are doing.
And last but not least, I HOPE you enjoyed this post.
Always Sparkle and Shine Bright…
xoxo,
Jen